The Lost Diamonds of the Self

I can’t find what I'm looking for 
Without this thing I cannot soar 
I can’t fly
I don’t even know why 

What is this thing I seek?
Without it, I feel meek 
Panic ensues 
I feel like there’s nothing to choose 

What if I lost it myself 
What if it’s there waiting on the shelf?
Why can’t I see it?
Sometimes I think I wish to make myself a twit 

Sabotaging success 
I don’t seem to have any regret 
I wonder why 
Is it the power of the evil eye ?

Perilously
I dive into the mystery 
I go deep within 
To find that shard of mistaken sin 

I hold it to the light
So bright it gives me a fright 
What do I see?
The elements of me? 

They shine diamond bright 
Waking up the dark night 
For this tale can now be told 
This human is now bold 

I stare the diamond in the eye
It’s time to let go of the wondering why 
This is the past
It’s time to be happy, I found myself, at last, 

It’s time to bathe in this light 
That the diamond shines so bright 
It’s time to see 
The truth that is me 

In me I see the mystery 
The mystery that is me 
The diamond light never ends
It just blends and blends and blends 

It blends with the self
The more I ask it for help 
For it’s made of stars
It’s time to remove them from glass jars 

It’s time for them to enter me 
Me and my family tree
To bathe in their light 
And watch our stars shine so bright 

Inspiration for the Poem: The Lost Diamonds of the Self

This poem was written in June 2022. I was still in deep recovery from the brain injury I sustained in December 2020. The accident fractured my mind both physically and psychologically. I was searching and searching for who I was mainly through my memories, which I often could not find. I was trying to understand my thoughts, and how to do things. Knowing things, but not being able to find the reference in my mind or in real life.

It was a confusing time and very disorientating. It affected almost everything in daily life and I was at that point still very very tired and fatigued. This what felt like an endless search was exhausting, so over time I learned to give up looking, to just accept that I did not know, or remember. When I accepted this not knowing, sometimes like magic, what I was looking for would appear. Like Diamonds in the Sky, to quote Rhianna.

Other times and still, there are memories that remain elusive. No matter how many times people tell me that I “must remember X or Y”, I don’t. I’ve also had to learn to stop torturing myself with not knowing, just because the other person thinks I should. I used to take it so seriously, now I just laugh. It’s not worth my time and energy. If I am supposed to remember I will.