The Lost Diamonds of the Self
I can’t find what I'm looking for Without this thing I cannot soar I can’t fly I don’t even know why What is this thing I seek? Without it, I feel meek Panic ensues I feel like there’s nothing to choose What if I lost it myself What if it’s there waiting on the shelf? Why can’t I see it? Sometimes I think I wish to make myself a twit Sabotaging success I don’t seem to have any regret I wonder why Is it the power of the evil eye ? Perilously I dive into the mystery I go deep within To find that shard of mistaken sin I hold it to the light So bright it gives me a fright What do I see? The elements of me? They shine diamond bright Waking up the dark night For this tale can now be told This human is now bold I stare the diamond in the eye It’s time to let go of the wondering why This is the past It’s time to be happy, I found myself, at last, It’s time to bathe in this light That the diamond shines so bright It’s time to see The truth that is me In me I see the mystery The mystery that is me The diamond light never ends It just blends and blends and blends It blends with the self The more I ask it for help For it’s made of stars It’s time to remove them from glass jars It’s time for them to enter me Me and my family tree To bathe in their light And watch our stars shine so bright
Inspiration for the Poem: The Lost Diamonds of the Self
This poem was written in June 2022. I was still in deep recovery from the brain injury I sustained in December 2020. The accident fractured my mind both physically and psychologically. I was searching and searching for who I was mainly through my memories, which I often could not find. I was trying to understand my thoughts, and how to do things. Knowing things, but not being able to find the reference in my mind or in real life.
It was a confusing time and very disorientating. It affected almost everything in daily life and I was at that point still very very tired and fatigued. This what felt like an endless search was exhausting, so over time I learned to give up looking, to just accept that I did not know, or remember. When I accepted this not knowing, sometimes like magic, what I was looking for would appear. Like Diamonds in the Sky, to quote Rhianna.
Other times and still, there are memories that remain elusive. No matter how many times people tell me that I “must remember X or Y”, I don’t. I’ve also had to learn to stop torturing myself with not knowing, just because the other person thinks I should. I used to take it so seriously, now I just laugh. It’s not worth my time and energy. If I am supposed to remember I will.